Help Mr. Wizard
A Montana Reject and Proud Raving Lunatic
This is not a good day. Woke up sick as a dog ... so much pain I think if I gave in to it, I would spew chunks. This pre-supposes that I had something in my stomach to spew. My normal routine is to avoid eating like the plague as long as I can, as once I eat my throat really, really hurts ... so, I take the lessor of two evils, and hunger is a lot less painful!
The downside of this plan of attack is that once I start eating and the damage is done, I gorge myself and eat non-stop until I go to bed. And, I am not eating the right things either, but I eat the things I can taste and still like ... which, being diabetic are not good for me at all. But, I figure what is there to lose.... I have insulin and know how to use it! I have needle, will inject mentality enters into my food choices now, where before cancer, I was on a stricter dietary protocol for sure!
The mental wear and tear of this disease is almost as bad as the actual damage done! Not a second goes by that I don't think about the prospect of the cancer returning. This is particularly true when I am having a really bad day such as today. I have made the decision and discussed it with my family that should the cancer return, I am going to tell the doctors to take a hike and just let it run its' awful course. I would have a different attitude I am sure if the physicians involved were willing to address the pain issue, but political considerations being what they are in this country, the medical community is entirely willing to let a person suffer to avoid the perception that they are feeding someone’s narcotic addiction.
From my perspective, I would much rather be addicted to morphine and have a life, than suffer like I do and be unable to do much of anything other than "compute"! Before I came off morphine, I was productive, able to take care of my yard, even took out the old chainsaw and did major pruning to a yard full of trees, loaded everything up and hauled the refuse away ... you know, was kind of normal. Now, I don't do anything other "than this", and that is nothing short of cruel.
I would go to the doctor under normal circumstances, but what is the point? As long as the medical community is unwilling to address the pain issue, they have nothing to give me that I want. I don’t want another of their so-called cures. If I had known in advance what the results of this radical neck dissection would be, I certainly WOULD NOT have allowed it. This is especially true if they had told me that I was going to be left with the pain to endure without any help at all. I need to clarify that…. Without ADEQUATE help! Sure I was given Neurontin and was told that it would block "certain" sensations in my face. That is all well and good, except, it does NOTHING to control the pain in my jaw, neck, or shoulder. Nor does it resolve the tingling in my right arm all the way to my fingers, nor does it take the chill out of my face, neck, and right arm.
It astonishes me that humans have more compassion for their pets than they do for each other! We would arrest anyone subjecting their pets to the misery we demand be subjected on other human beings in the name of saving their life. You don't have to look too far for prime examples of what I am talking about ... of course; you have to be able to be humane and intelligent at the same time to understand the point.
As an example, I will use the Terri Schiavo case. God sits in condemnation upon everyone involved with that case with the exception of Michael Schiavo and Terri Schiavo. Everyone who advocated her continued suffering did so with bias and political consideration, and in my opinion, Senator Frist should lose his license to practice medicine for his part in that fiasco! Think about it ... if Ms. Schiavo actually was able to "think", after 15 years of lying in a bed unable to move or interact in any way with her surroundings, she was stark raving insane! I thank the Lord she was a vegetable totally unaware of her predicament! The fact that the "supposed" Christian community were the ones advocating her continued suffering did more to damage my own personal Christian belief than any other single fact in my life. I have not gone to church since on a regular basis, and have come to believe that the so-called "church" is an instrument for evil and no longer something I can associate with. This is not to say that I am not a Christian, I am.... just not a George Bush, Tom Delay, Bill Frist, Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, James Dobson sort of Christian! The churches that support that kind of Christianity can and WILL go straight to hell in my humble opinion!
As long as I am venting, I also would like to point out another total lack of Christian compassion shown by our leadership. When the Schiavo issue was brought up, our President cut short his vacation, flew back to Washington, to sign a bill initiated by Senator Frist or Tom Delay (I can’t remember which for sure) in an attempt to "save her life!" When Katrina devastated New Orleans and the Gulf Coast, I didn’t see a mad rush by Tom Delay, Bill Frist, or George Bush to cut short their vacation(s) to address the needs of those starving and dying as a result of that hurricane. Think about that for a moment! Apparently, the powers that be saw nothing to be gained by addressing a national catastrophe like Katrina, but Terri Schiavo … now that was a totally different story. Talk about hypocrisy of the highest order … it makes me physically sick!
Back to the original train of thought. I was on a feeding tube for almost a year, and I can tell you from personal experience, it isn't fun! It is difficult to even watch television … every other commercial is about ‘FOOD’, and you can’t eat. And you haven’t lived until you have vomited through a feeding tube designed for one-way movement of liquid (in, not out)! The excess travels up your throat and exits through your mouth. This is really, really fun when the inside of your throat is as crisp as bacon because of radiation. I went from 223 pounds to 139 pounds on a feeding tube … hell of a diet plan!
All I have to say is I thank God for insulin. When this gets too much to handle any longer, I will simply fill up a needle I have hidden that will handle a full bottle of insulin, take out a bottle of wine, drink until I am goofy, and then give myself a shot. That will be that. I have told all my doctors this, and they are helpless to do a thing about it. They may be able to take away my ability to control the pain they have left me with, but they are absolutely unable to control my ability to address the end of my life if I choose to no longer accept the state of being I am now left to deal with alone without pharmaceutical assistance. They might be able to take away pain medication, but being diabetic, they can’t take away the insulin. Believe it or not, this is comforting to me … to know that when it is to big for me to handle any longer, I have a way out that will be quick, relatively painless, and certain!
Later!
This is not a good day. Woke up sick as a dog ... so much pain I think if I gave in to it, I would spew chunks. This pre-supposes that I had something in my stomach to spew. My normal routine is to avoid eating like the plague as long as I can, as once I eat my throat really, really hurts ... so, I take the lessor of two evils, and hunger is a lot less painful!
The downside of this plan of attack is that once I start eating and the damage is done, I gorge myself and eat non-stop until I go to bed. And, I am not eating the right things either, but I eat the things I can taste and still like ... which, being diabetic are not good for me at all. But, I figure what is there to lose.... I have insulin and know how to use it! I have needle, will inject mentality enters into my food choices now, where before cancer, I was on a stricter dietary protocol for sure!
The mental wear and tear of this disease is almost as bad as the actual damage done! Not a second goes by that I don't think about the prospect of the cancer returning. This is particularly true when I am having a really bad day such as today. I have made the decision and discussed it with my family that should the cancer return, I am going to tell the doctors to take a hike and just let it run its' awful course. I would have a different attitude I am sure if the physicians involved were willing to address the pain issue, but political considerations being what they are in this country, the medical community is entirely willing to let a person suffer to avoid the perception that they are feeding someone’s narcotic addiction.
From my perspective, I would much rather be addicted to morphine and have a life, than suffer like I do and be unable to do much of anything other than "compute"! Before I came off morphine, I was productive, able to take care of my yard, even took out the old chainsaw and did major pruning to a yard full of trees, loaded everything up and hauled the refuse away ... you know, was kind of normal. Now, I don't do anything other "than this", and that is nothing short of cruel.
I would go to the doctor under normal circumstances, but what is the point? As long as the medical community is unwilling to address the pain issue, they have nothing to give me that I want. I don’t want another of their so-called cures. If I had known in advance what the results of this radical neck dissection would be, I certainly WOULD NOT have allowed it. This is especially true if they had told me that I was going to be left with the pain to endure without any help at all. I need to clarify that…. Without ADEQUATE help! Sure I was given Neurontin and was told that it would block "certain" sensations in my face. That is all well and good, except, it does NOTHING to control the pain in my jaw, neck, or shoulder. Nor does it resolve the tingling in my right arm all the way to my fingers, nor does it take the chill out of my face, neck, and right arm.
It astonishes me that humans have more compassion for their pets than they do for each other! We would arrest anyone subjecting their pets to the misery we demand be subjected on other human beings in the name of saving their life. You don't have to look too far for prime examples of what I am talking about ... of course; you have to be able to be humane and intelligent at the same time to understand the point.
As an example, I will use the Terri Schiavo case. God sits in condemnation upon everyone involved with that case with the exception of Michael Schiavo and Terri Schiavo. Everyone who advocated her continued suffering did so with bias and political consideration, and in my opinion, Senator Frist should lose his license to practice medicine for his part in that fiasco! Think about it ... if Ms. Schiavo actually was able to "think", after 15 years of lying in a bed unable to move or interact in any way with her surroundings, she was stark raving insane! I thank the Lord she was a vegetable totally unaware of her predicament! The fact that the "supposed" Christian community were the ones advocating her continued suffering did more to damage my own personal Christian belief than any other single fact in my life. I have not gone to church since on a regular basis, and have come to believe that the so-called "church" is an instrument for evil and no longer something I can associate with. This is not to say that I am not a Christian, I am.... just not a George Bush, Tom Delay, Bill Frist, Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, James Dobson sort of Christian! The churches that support that kind of Christianity can and WILL go straight to hell in my humble opinion!
As long as I am venting, I also would like to point out another total lack of Christian compassion shown by our leadership. When the Schiavo issue was brought up, our President cut short his vacation, flew back to Washington, to sign a bill initiated by Senator Frist or Tom Delay (I can’t remember which for sure) in an attempt to "save her life!" When Katrina devastated New Orleans and the Gulf Coast, I didn’t see a mad rush by Tom Delay, Bill Frist, or George Bush to cut short their vacation(s) to address the needs of those starving and dying as a result of that hurricane. Think about that for a moment! Apparently, the powers that be saw nothing to be gained by addressing a national catastrophe like Katrina, but Terri Schiavo … now that was a totally different story. Talk about hypocrisy of the highest order … it makes me physically sick!
Back to the original train of thought. I was on a feeding tube for almost a year, and I can tell you from personal experience, it isn't fun! It is difficult to even watch television … every other commercial is about ‘FOOD’, and you can’t eat. And you haven’t lived until you have vomited through a feeding tube designed for one-way movement of liquid (in, not out)! The excess travels up your throat and exits through your mouth. This is really, really fun when the inside of your throat is as crisp as bacon because of radiation. I went from 223 pounds to 139 pounds on a feeding tube … hell of a diet plan!
All I have to say is I thank God for insulin. When this gets too much to handle any longer, I will simply fill up a needle I have hidden that will handle a full bottle of insulin, take out a bottle of wine, drink until I am goofy, and then give myself a shot. That will be that. I have told all my doctors this, and they are helpless to do a thing about it. They may be able to take away my ability to control the pain they have left me with, but they are absolutely unable to control my ability to address the end of my life if I choose to no longer accept the state of being I am now left to deal with alone without pharmaceutical assistance. They might be able to take away pain medication, but being diabetic, they can’t take away the insulin. Believe it or not, this is comforting to me … to know that when it is to big for me to handle any longer, I have a way out that will be quick, relatively painless, and certain!
Later!
posted by webegeeks | 10:19 AM
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