Getting Older
A Montana Reject and Proud Raving Lunatic
Sort of funny in a sick/troublesome way. I remember what it was like to turn 10, and now almost 47 years have passed and to me at least, it seems like a very short time ago. I often wonder if it is just me, or does everyone seem to lose his or her lifetime in the twinkling of an eye?
My earliest recollection is when I was about three years old if you can believe that. And it isn't some vague and imagined remembrance either ... it is very vivid. I remember so many things from childhood, and now here I am trying to come to grips with the fact that I feel I have wasted my entire life foolishly.
I don't feel I have accomplished a thing of any substance. I don't know how I will answer to my actions (or perhaps more apropos "lack of action") when I am faced with reconciling my life in the great beyond. How will I answer the question "what have you done Michael, and why did you do that?" I honestly don't feel I have done anything important, and why I did some of the things I did, I have neither excuse nor idea! Something about my psyche apparently is askew!
I am so full of regret, God I just can't stand the idea that my life is winding down.... I have not even lived yet. SugarBooger and I were talking last night about life, and I swear I want to live another 200 years! I feel it will take me that long just to accomplish even the simplest important act. I get so angry when I see people my age with full productive lives, and here I am just struggling with getting through it one day at a time. I don't know how much longer I have because I feel so sick all the time, and that is frightening to me. It is little consolation that the doctors tell me my cancer is gone. I spent seven months trying to convince the medical profession that I wasn't a hypochondriac before I finally got a doctor to take a good look and discovered my cancer in the first place. It is difficult given the runaround I got for so long to believe them now that it is gone.
I am absolutely terrified that it will come back. Getting through the radiation and chemo, plus all the surgeries was something you would have to experience to understand. What makes me angriest about this whole thing is I tempted the fates and brought this on myself.
When I was a young man, there was a guy who used to come into the freight office on occasion to talk to the chief clerk. This man had had throat cancer, and I remember thinking to myself ... that is one thing I just couldn't stand to get, I would rather be dead. I know it is ridiculous, but every time I saw him, I thought those thoughts ... and as stupid as it is, I am angry because I think if I hadn't thought those things, this wouldn't have happened to me. It is an impossible situation to be in, because I can't change a thing about my life. I can't un-think those thoughts any more than I can undo my deeds.
But, I want to unthink them and so much of what I have done, I want to undo. Regret is a terrible thing when you are sick and think you are in the process of dying.
Later
Sort of funny in a sick/troublesome way. I remember what it was like to turn 10, and now almost 47 years have passed and to me at least, it seems like a very short time ago. I often wonder if it is just me, or does everyone seem to lose his or her lifetime in the twinkling of an eye?
My earliest recollection is when I was about three years old if you can believe that. And it isn't some vague and imagined remembrance either ... it is very vivid. I remember so many things from childhood, and now here I am trying to come to grips with the fact that I feel I have wasted my entire life foolishly.
I don't feel I have accomplished a thing of any substance. I don't know how I will answer to my actions (or perhaps more apropos "lack of action") when I am faced with reconciling my life in the great beyond. How will I answer the question "what have you done Michael, and why did you do that?" I honestly don't feel I have done anything important, and why I did some of the things I did, I have neither excuse nor idea! Something about my psyche apparently is askew!
I am so full of regret, God I just can't stand the idea that my life is winding down.... I have not even lived yet. SugarBooger and I were talking last night about life, and I swear I want to live another 200 years! I feel it will take me that long just to accomplish even the simplest important act. I get so angry when I see people my age with full productive lives, and here I am just struggling with getting through it one day at a time. I don't know how much longer I have because I feel so sick all the time, and that is frightening to me. It is little consolation that the doctors tell me my cancer is gone. I spent seven months trying to convince the medical profession that I wasn't a hypochondriac before I finally got a doctor to take a good look and discovered my cancer in the first place. It is difficult given the runaround I got for so long to believe them now that it is gone.
I am absolutely terrified that it will come back. Getting through the radiation and chemo, plus all the surgeries was something you would have to experience to understand. What makes me angriest about this whole thing is I tempted the fates and brought this on myself.
When I was a young man, there was a guy who used to come into the freight office on occasion to talk to the chief clerk. This man had had throat cancer, and I remember thinking to myself ... that is one thing I just couldn't stand to get, I would rather be dead. I know it is ridiculous, but every time I saw him, I thought those thoughts ... and as stupid as it is, I am angry because I think if I hadn't thought those things, this wouldn't have happened to me. It is an impossible situation to be in, because I can't change a thing about my life. I can't un-think those thoughts any more than I can undo my deeds.
But, I want to unthink them and so much of what I have done, I want to undo. Regret is a terrible thing when you are sick and think you are in the process of dying.
Later
posted by webegeeks | 1:16 AM
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